“My faith carried me through”

July is child bereavement month, parents that have lost children in death. No parent ever wants to bury a child, but it does happen. My friend, Sandra, lost her son, Michael in a car accident on June 7, 2014. I asked her to share his story.

Michael was born March 31, 1979. He was the oldest and only son. He was the typical boy. She describes him as mischievous, playing with go-carts, video games, and trucks. He never enjoyed school, but he graduated from high school to appease his mom and grandmother. As an adult, he enjoyed fishing, golfing, and hunting. He was always a hard worker. He had his first job as a junior in high school. Even as an adult, he maintained the hard work ethic. Sandra says he “worked to support his family and his boys.”

I asked her to describe Michael as a brother. He was a great big brother to his sisters, Kim and Sonya. Michael was their “Bubba.” Later in life, Michael lived in Alabama, but they remained close. His death has been hard on them. There are things they wished they could pick up the phone to talk to him about certain things that’s happened.

I asked how was Michael as a husband and dad? He has three children (Gregory, AJ, and Carson). He had two with his first wife, and one with his second wife. His youngest son was never able to meet him. He and his second wife (Abbigail) found out they were expecting 6 days before he was killed. Sandra was honest. She said he wasn’t perfect, but he was a good husband. He worked to provide, but “he could have spent more time with the boys than he did.” He went to ballgames, but he didn’t take them as many places. Michael is like all of us. We don’t know how much time we have on earth. He assumed he had more time. “He was doing the best that he could do.”

Sandra remembers all the details on the day that he passed away. It was a Saturday morning around 7:15 am. She received a call from her mom. Her mom lived in Red Bay, Alabama, and Michael lived in Spruce Pine , Alabama. Her mother received a call from her aunt. Michael’s driver’s license had his aunt’s address. The state trooper went to his aunt’s house to deliver the news that Michael had been involved in a one car accident and did not make it. He was driving a little to fast in the curb. The road was wet. He got in slick gravel, hit a tree on the driver’s side door, and it was caused head trauma. It killed him instantly.

When she received the news from her mother, she “dropped to her knees.” She was in shock that her only son was gone. She had to call her daughters, and they reacted the same way. It “was the worst day that I have had in my 61 years. It was the worst.”

Sandra’s faith allowed her to prepare for the funeral. Abby was Michael’s second wife. She was two months pregnant with their son. It was very hard for her to do the funeral arrangements. She allowed Sandra to proceed with the funeral arrangements. Sandra is a huge Alabama fan. Michael was also. She picked out an Alabama casket. She carried his clothing to his house and pressed his Alabama polo and jeans for the funeral. This was a Saturday evening because the clothes were due Sunday afternoon to the funeral home.

That morning, Sandra went to Sunday school. She knew that she would not have made it “without her church family. I needed that support.” After church, she took the clothing for the funeral. The visitation was Sunday night, and the funeral was Monday. With him being married, Abby did have the final decisions. Sandra wanted some of his hair to put in the memorial crosses that are made. Even though Sandra is the mother, Abby had to call the funeral home to give permission for them to give it to her.

Seeing him in the casket “was unimaginable. You never expect to bury a child before you.” Sandra had an outpouring of love from her family, church, and his coworkers. Michael worked at a rubber factory in Alabama. His coworkers cut a piece from his machine, signed it, and placed it in the coffin with him. She said “the day was very emotional because you never expect that, but the funeral home did a great job. He looked like Michael.”

One question to Sandra was how do you cope with the loss of your son. Her answer was her faith in God. She said she does not understand how people without faith are able to cope. It was only because of her faith that she’s made it this far. She said people have two options in life. “You can choose to be biter. You can choose to be thankful. I chose thankfulness. I still do to this day. Even that day, I was thankful to God for the 35 years He gave us with him. I am thankful that God gave us 3 grandchildren to carry on his name. I’m thankful for the 35 years because some people don’t live to see that. Some parents never get to see their kids graduate, get married, have grandchildren with them. They lost them too early. I chose to be thankful for the time God gave us.”

I always ask what advice can you give to the next person that’s experiencing what you are. “Take it one day at a time. Put your grief in Jesus. He’s the only One that can help you through it. Medicines can’t help you; alcohol, drugs, nothing like that can help you.” Sandra says grief is still there.

Another thing Sandra suggest is share your feelings on how you feel losing a child. She said one thing you say can help someone else. She has a friend that also lost a son due to a drunk driving accident. Her friend was very angry and was almost drove herself crazy. Sandra said that her friend found her faith in God. She says “don’t let yourself get drug down into a dark hole. Seek God if You don’t know Him. He’ll put the rest of the puzzle back together.”

Football season is her hardest time. She misses the moments of him texting her saying he’s golfing, fishing, or hunting. He’d ask her to keep him up to date on the score of the football game. She reiterates her faith in God. “If you’re saved and your child is saved, rest assure you’ll see them again one day.”

One thing that she’s committed to is to never let Michael’s memory die. She said that each year on his birthday or date of death that she will receive messages from family, friends, loved ones, and his former coworkers. She said people will tell stories on things that they remember and loved about Michael. His son, nieces, and nephews know of him. She said they look at the pictures on the wall. They know daddy. They know Uncle Michael. They still talk about him at family functions. “We will definitely always keep Michael’s memory alive.”