“Dating and learning who I am”

You are beautiful. You are smart. You are loving. You are adventurous. You have a great personality. You love your family. You have values and good morals. You are a hard worker. You are God’s girl. You are epic. You are the prize. You are the shit. You deserve good shit and don’t you forget.

One might be wondering what is going on. I’ve never heard or read Carman type those way. Well, these are things that I have to remind myself when I get lonely. I want to be honest. I want to talk about dating and how being single in mid 40’s has been for me. For me, it has been hard. It has been a journey. Some days, I have to speak affirmations to myself in order to keep smiling and not cry. In my mind, I thought I’d be married forever, but that’s not how it ended. I’ve been divorced for 10 years, and I will say that dating is not for the weak. When you are dating, you learn more about yourself. You learn things about you that you didn’t know are within. You learn that you might not be as great as you thought you were in your mind, and you just might need to work on things in order to be a healthy person for the person of your future.

I will say that after my divorce that I was not fit for anyone. I was damaged. I was hurt from things that happened in my divorce. I was walking around with bitterness, hurt, anger, and distrust inside. I knew I had to let those those things go. How could I be healthy for a man that might have been interested in me? Even though I was going to therapy, I was not healthy for myself or a man. I had to work out a lot of things that I was holding within me. I was saying to myself, my friends, and even to God that I was ready to be in a serious relationship again. In actuality, I wasn’t ready. To be honest, complete healing took me longer than what I expected. Truthfully, I will say that I only became the best version of me within the last 2-3 years. Each day, I still strive to be a better version of me.

After I was in a better place mentally, I decided I’d jump into the dating pool. I wish someone would have warned me what dating later in life is really like. My ex husband and I dated in high school. When we divorced, I was in my 30’s. Remember, I wasn’t healed until my 40’s. I missed out on decades on “what to do.” I really was clueless on the “norms” of dating. I was thinking that the men that I were dating were on the same wavelength as me. I desired a long term committed relationship that would eventually lead to marriage, but the majority of the men I conversed with had no desire to be committed; let alone married.

The problem is not because of lack of availability. According to the census, there are 51.4% African American men and 47.5% African American women that have never been married. https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2022/07/marriage-prevalence-for-black-adults-varies-by-state.html. I feel that with today’s society that people are living together longer instead of marrying. I feel that many saw their parents divorced, have been divorced themselves, afraid to try marriage/remarry. Where does this leave the romantics, people like me, in the world?

If a person asked me this question a few years ago, my answer would have been feeling lonely, but I’m thankful I’m in a better mental place. I decided to try dating apps. Some have no issues with the apps, but I do. I wasn’t trying to find someone for a casual hookup. I want something lasting. I did not like the feeling of sending a like in whatever form the app designed and not receiving a match back. When I didn’t get a match back, I take it personal. I wondered what was wrong with me. It didn’t matter that I had put a “X” on a another person. I was just thinking of the one that I gave a reaction. Honestly, the dating apps made me feel as if I was rejected. I had to realize that I would not be everyone’s cup of tea, and that is ok.

When dating apps didn’t work, I resorted back to familiarity. My justification was why learn someone new when I could just have a situationship with someone from my past. We aren’t dating, but he was there when I needed him. We laugh. We talk. We vent to each other. When we want sex, we please each other. I knew that I couldn’t continue to do that either. Eventually, I desired more from myself. As much as I said it didn’t bother me, it did. I felt that each time I left his house that I left a part of me there. In order for me to be completely healed, I couldn’t do situanships either. I feel that is one of the reasons that God moved me from Mississippi. As much as I said I would stop, I would return every few months. With me moving 12 hours away, I couldn’t pick up the phone to send a text or call to ask can I come over. I know that God knew my heart. God had to remove me from the situation for Him to answer the desires of my heart.

I did try another dating app when I moved to Florida. I realized that is that man’s prerogative to like what he likes. It is mine for me to like who I like. On my second time around with dating apps, I did have more interaction, but the majority of the men were only wanting sex. I had men that were trying to come to my apartment, or to their place, and had never even held a conversation with me.

There was one guy. Things were going well. We would text through out the day and talk on the phone for hours at night. We would FaceTime each other at the beginning or end of the day. Things looked really promising. One thing about me is that I pray. I prayed to God and asking if he was the one for me. It wasn’t but about two days later, and all the communication ceased. I assumed that the two of us were building something great. I knew with him removed from my life that God answered my prayer. It just wasn’t the way that I expected. God removed him from my life before things got too deep. God knows me, and I’m glad I prayed earlier in the courting period versus months later down the road. My feelings would have been deeper and been hurt more.

Now, this isn’t the first time that this experience has happened to me. Shoot, I’ve lost count. Regardless of the number, being ghosted is never fun. It’s hurtful. I used to wonder if I said or did something wrong when a guy would ghost me. I would replay conversations in my mind. It wasn’t me. It never was me. It’s whatever he’s dealing with inside. I’m not saying that I’m perfect because I’m not perfect by a long shot. I realized that each time I involved God with prayer, that He was being God. If I’d prayed about all dates, I could have saved myself some heartaches along the way. God remove him and others that I thought were potentials out of my life in order for there to be room for the right one.

There were a lot of nights that I cried because I desired to be in a relationship. There were and have many therapy sessions that I cried because I was discussing my singleness. One of the most recent things that I took from a therapy session was for me to put up boundaries. I have to know exactly what I want and communicate to the guy what my desires are. I have to realize what I will accept and what I won’t. These things need to be communicated within the first 3-5 dates. If you and the other person do not agree on the nonnegotiable, it is no point in wasting your time.

Another thing she recommended was to date them all until one asks you to be the one. Men do it all the time with no regards. Women should be able to do the same.

Through this process of dating, I have learned that I am too much for some people. What I mean by that is my personality. Some people don’t like a talkative woman. I love conversations. I’m old school. I want to hear voices. Pick up the phone and call me. In today’s society, everything is quick. It’s easy to text all day long. It’s ok to send a text while we’re at work or have things going on. Some point on the day, call me.

My way of communicating might scare men away. If I’m asking questions to get an understanding, he might take it as me nagging. I know the difference of communication and nagging. Have I ever been a nagging woman? Hell yea. I’m not perfect, but effective communication is the best for any relationship.

I learned that I might be intimidating to some men. It might appear that I have it all together because I have certain things and do certain things on my own. Men like to provide. One might wonder what can he provide if I “have it all.” To be honest, I don’t have it all. I desire companionship. I desire to be a team with my partner. It would be me and him against the world.

I leaned that dating apps, at the moment, aren’t for me. For me, I get anxiety waiting to see if the guy I gave a heart or a like is going to give me a reaction back. I don’t like giving out my maximum hearts each day and not getting one back. Some people love it, and the dating apps have worked out perfect for them. I know a lot of people that have had great success with them. I’m truly happy for those people.

In the process, I had a huge moment of revelation. I was taking not getting likes back as rejection. One of my best friends asked me why. I couldn’t give her an answer. All I could say was I don’t know why. This week in prayer, my answer was revealed to me. I took my divorce as a sign of failure. I thought the men on the apps not wanting me as being rejection. After having this revelation this week, I decided it was best for me to pause my profile, log out of the account, and have some more therapy sessions.

I’d heard the statement before that you have to learn yourself and be comfortable in your singleness before God will send your mate. It really is true. I’m learning myself more and more each day. I’m becoming a better version of myself each day. I’m learning there will be ups and downs. That doesn’t mean that I stop wanting love. Just because one man didn’t work out for me, that means he wasn’t the one.

Remember the guy I mentioned earlier. The craziest and most absurd thing happened this week. He sent me a message saying he missed me. Now, the old me would have been happy and wanted to hear the excuse he had to say. The old me would me would have felt lonely and believed what he said and given him another chance but not this Carman. Not this Carman that’s learning, processing, and trying to do God’s will. This Carman here is healing and becoming the woman God wants her to be for her future husband. This Carman knows that there is so much more than he can give. This Carman knows that she’s the shit. This Carman knows that she deserves good shit. This Carman knows that she isn’t going to stop until she has it. 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100093580443682&mibextid=LQQJ4d (Quote from Divine Goddess of Love)