Going through life in the motion

https://youtu.be/PJGEMecuFQ4?si=_Ye_DFpuffxLsR9a (Video version)

We all have different things in life that make us happy. Some people like going to the gym. Some people listen to music. Some hang out with loved ones. Some read. Some travel. The list goes on and on. The options are endless. What happens when life hits you and the things that made you happy become nonexistent?

Here are a few things that I enjoy. I love to read. I love traveling. I love attending concerts. I love listening to music. I love journaling my feelings. I love lighting candles. I love self care.

At some point during this year, I stopped doing the things that made me happy. I was living life and going through the motions. I would get up each day, go to work, teach, and watch my grandson some nights. Some days, I worked both jobs and repeat the same pattern over and over again.

This week, I dozed off early and woke up to use the bathroom. I came back to bed. My mind was restless. When I have a lot on my mind, restlessness happens often. I always pray, but I couldn’t fall back asleep. I did as most people do and began to scroll on Facebook. As I was scrolling, a video popped up. It said check on your strong friends because they are high functioning depressed, but you’ll never know. As I watched the video, I teared up because that strong friend is me.

I began to think about 2025 and how hard it has been. In January, one of my cousins unexpectedly passed away. Death is something we can’t avoid, and we know it is coming to us all. When it comes, it hurts. She and I weren’t close at all growing up. Truthfully, I might have only seen her a few times in my younger days. I’m very thankful that God allowed our paths to connect as adults. We would talk on the phone for hours and laugh. Even when I mover to Florida, we’d check on to see how each other and our children were doing. Her death took a toll on me mentally.

A few months after that, the relationship I was in ended. I thought he was the one. We made plans. I thought he was going to be my forever. That’s what he told me, and I believed him. He made promises. Promises he didn’t keep. When he broke it off, another piece of me was gone. It took months to heal.

My finances are in shambles. It’s not because I don’t budget, and I have never been one to spend frivolously. The cost of living in Florida is extremely high. Everyone knows teachers aren’t paid a lot, but I absolutely love teaching. I don’t regret making the decision to teach at all. When I went from banking to teaching, my salary was $25,000 reduced, and a rent bill was added on top of that.

Before you ask, why didn’t you stay in MS and teach. I applied, but the school districts where I lived didn’t offer me a temporary certificate. In the school districts I applied, I could be a long term substitute because I had a degree. I would do all the work as a certified teacher, but the pay would be substitute pay; barely $20,000. Florida offers a temporary certificate with regular teacher’s salary. Off to Florida, I went. I always say if I could have my banking pay as a teacher that life would be perfect.

On top of having rent, my truck has been having issues that have cost me over $3,000 in repairs in the last three months. My savings has been depleted. At this point, I’m taking money for bills to fix it. You need a car to get to work. You need to work to pay your necessities. I can’t afford a new vehicle. Therefore, I had no choice but to fix what I have.

When a person is used to being able to do what he/she wants prior to income being reduced, it’s mentally exhausting as well. I went from getting pedicures done on a regular, lashes done on a regular, attending whatever concert I wanted, taking trips across the country to how am I gonna keep on these lights? How am I gonna pay this rent? How am I gonna put gas in this tank? How much can I spend on groceries?

Earlier this week, my mom and I were texting. I was telling her how excited I was to be getting my hair done. It has been seven months since I had been to the salon. Some of favorite reels I watch on social media are transformations of damaged hair. The men and women have gone months or years with neglecting their hair. It’s not because they didn’t want to go. It was because mentally they were fighting a battle, and their hair was the last thing on their minds.

As I sat in the chair, my loctician began to inspect my locs. She asked me what was my plan for my locs. They were thin. They were fragile. They were damaged, a lot like me. She said they are fixable. They need maintenance. They need more care. They need more attention. They need love, all like me.

At that moment, I thought about the videos I often watch. I was one of those people. Truthfully, I wanted to cry, but I held it together. I have neglected myself. I have neglected my hair. I have neglected journaling. I have neglected reading. I have neglected the gym. I have neglected blogging. I have neglected a lot of the things I love. I have been going through life and the motions. I have become even better at being a high functioning depressed person. If I didn’t have therapy, people that prayed for me, me praying for myself, and my faith in God, I wondered where would I be.

There have been other things that I have experienced. Things that made my faith weak. Things that made me question God. Things that made me ask God was He listening when I prayed. My therapist said to me, “You are strong. You have strength. You have gone through things that others can’t handle.” My response to her was, “but I’m tired of being strong. I know life has its ups and downs, but I just want things to be easy. Even if I can go 30 days with no problems, God can we start from that?”

I don’t write these words for sympathy. I don’t write these words for compassion. I write them to bring awareness. You might be looking at someone and think he/she has it all together. He or she has a great life. He or she has no worries at all, but it can be the furthest thing from the truth.

That person can be at his/her breaking point. That person can be crying him/herself to sleep at night. That person can be struggling with depression. That person can be trying to decide if life even worth living. That person can be feeling all alone. That person can be dealing with grief. That person can be wondering will love ever find me again. That person can be going through life in motion.

Check on your strong friends. 🫶🏾