“Overcoming depression”

If you’d rather watch the YouTube video, click the following link. https://youtu.be/0EpZcJ-ojJY?si=R45JLAVWdxkTZkDX

“We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.” “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” For some people, when they hear the lyrics to these song, their faces are immediately lit with excitement. They think about the gifts that will be bought or received from loved ones and friends. Others can’t wait to start preparing and decorating for Christmas. They think of how many trees they’ll put up in their homes. Some start as soon as Halloween is over. Others wait until after Thanksgiving is over. Then, there are those that start decorating the month of December.

There is no right or wrong for whatever choice one makes on decorating for Christmas holidays. Holidays are a wonderful time that is spent with loved ones; whether it be your friends or your family. People gather for Christmas parties at work, at restaurants, their houses, or friends houses. It’s a celebration and festive times. It lasts for months.

Unfortunately, not all people see the holidays as a festive occasion. People are dealing with many things that they never speak about and hate for the holidays to come around. Some people are seasonal depressed. Daylight savings time came, and it’s darker outside. People are stressed because they don’t have the finances to decorate, purchase Christmas trees, or gifts for their children. Studies show that women are 2 out of 4 times for likely to experience SAD (seasonal affective disorder).https://www.optum.com/health-articles/article/health-conditions/could-you-have-seasonal-affective-disorder/?

Others are depressed about other things. It could be because of sadness from the loss of a loved one. This might be the first year that the love one is no longer here to celebrate the holidays, or it could be year 20. The length of the time doesn’t matter because grief has no time period. When a person loses someone he/she loves, life is no longer the same without the person on earth.

Some people don’t even know what depression looks like. Depression looks different for everyone. Symptoms can be loss of sleep or too much sleep, slow thinking, lack of sex drive, reduced or increased appetite, trouble concentrating, and many more. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007. That’s one reason why it goes undiagnosed because people think what they are going through is normal. As a person that takes mental health seriously and has gone to therapy for over 10 years, there are even times that I miss when I’m feeling depressed. At this moment,I am dealing and experiencing depression from both categories.

I’ve never been a morning person. Even when I set my alarm clock for an earlier time to wake up, I still end up almost late or late. That’s always been my struggle. I remember one night I’d committed to getting to school super early the next day. Before I went to bed, I set my alarm clock. That morning, I got to work and was happy that I’d accomplished getting there earlier usual. As soon as I got ready to grab my things, I realized that I’d left my work laptop at home. I live 20 minutes away. That was an extra forty minutes of driving that day. At that moment, I just thought oh I was forgetful. I was very frustrated from all the driving, but I didn’t think anything of it.

The next incident really shook me up though. I was at the last stoplight before I would make it to work. I’m less than 2 minutes away. I’m not on the phone. The radio isn’t on. If you know me, that should have been my clue because I love music. There were no outside distractions, but I didn’t know mentally I was distracted. I see a green light, hit my gas, and proceed to turn. Immediately, I realized that it wasn’t the turn signal. It was the green light for the cars that were driving straight to go. If you’ve driven in Florida traffic, you know it’s horrendous. I did stop, but I was in the middle of traffic. Cars were blowing at me, and the drivers were staring at me as they drove by. I was in tears, but all I could do was wait for my light to change. When I pulled in the school’s parking lot, I broke down. I couldn’t believe I’d down that. I wondered what was I doing, but I thanked God for sparing my life because there are many that pass away each day in vehicular accidents. I know I’m not any more special than anyone else, but I’m grateful for my life being spared that day.

When I’m depressed, I sleep a lot. I don’t eat. I go to work and come home to the bed. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to work out. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to clean. This is why it’s really important for a person to truly know themselves. It’s important to know something is off. In the church world, people are quick to say “God won’t put more on you than you can bear.” In actuality, that’s not in even in the Bible. There are times that we experience things that we can NOT bear.

As the months passed, life got harder for me. I was missing my grandmother more. She passed away 3 years ago. During this time, her birthday was approaching. I was grieving her. One of my loved ones was diagnosed with cancer. When I receive news like that, it shakes my faith. Another issue was I’d depleted all my savings to simply pay rent. Before it was all gone, I was applying for applications constantly because I didn’t want to deplete it. I would ask the places that I visited (grocery stores, drug stores, and others) if they were hiring. They’d say no. I wasn’t sitting and twirling my fingers. I was being proactive by applying, but I was getting no’s and denials from all. The denials were also detrimental to my mind. I began to wonder am I worthy. I began to wonder if moving to Florida was even worth it. I began to question God and if I’d really heard Him when I decided to relocate. I questioned did I move because of me being disgruntled from my previous job. I was losing faith and hope. I didn’t even want to pray. I wondered would God even hear my prayers. I was low. I was angry, hurt, and had no words to say. I was sinking into depression really bad. My close friends that communicate with them on a regular basis knew that I was off. I let them know how I was feeling, and they lifted me in prayer.

I began to feel better, but I still wasn’t 100% myself. One Saturday morning, I decided that I couldn’t allow life to pass me by. I did some of the things that I love. I got out of the bed. I went for a walk. I cooked breakfast. I played music. I opened the windows to let fresh air in and lit candles. I was glad to be snapping out of depression. It’s really a hard thing to do, but I was determined to get back to the positive Carman. A few weeks later, God gave me a boost to help put a huge smile on my face.

God said let me show this woman who I am. My student loans were in forbearance, and it was time for me to start repaying. I didn’t know what I was going to do because I’m already struggling. I didn’t want to have a new debt added. About two months after I’d spoken with my student loan company, I received an email that all my student loans were forgiven, and it was wasn’t a small amount. I reflected on the miracle because I haven’t even gotten my second year finished, and I know people that’s been teaching for years that are still paying on their student loans. If I had remained in banking, I would have still had the debt. I know that was God’s way of letting me know that I heard His voice when I moved. He did want me to be a teacher. I’m walking in my purpose. This is where I’m supposed to be in life.

I salute all teachers because our pay is superrrrr low. The majority of jobs, an employee can leave work at the door. That’s not it for a teacher. There’s countless hours of planning, grading, contacting parents, and catching up on emails that are days behind. The cost of living in Florida is ridiculous. I’m out here trying to do it all alone. My students loans were paid off, and I was happy again for a few months. I knew that I still had to pay rent. I really wanted a work from home part time job because I’m on my feet all day long. One of the jobs that I’d applied for finally hired me. It was a virtual teaching job. I was ecstatic. I assumed that I’d be having to deny students that wanted tutoring because I assumed I would have a lot of tutoring opportunities. They’d send me a link asking if I was interested in tutoring this particular student. Immediately, I’d say yes. Just because it was suggested, I quickly learned it didn’t mean I’d get the job. They’d say the student matched with someone else. At this point, I’d decided that I might have to pack up and leave. The cost of living is simply too much for me. I’d even sent my mom a text asking if I could come back home.

Right before I was making the decision to leave, God opened a door. I’d previously inquired about working at the movies. At the time, they weren’t hiring. Late one night, I received a message to go apply. It was almost 8:00 pm. It was cold and rainy. I did NOT want to get out of my bed. I said if this is a test I’m not going to fail. Let me get up. There were even obstacles after I went, but I was finally hired. I’ve got to find a cheaper place but still a safe place to live.

Mental health is very important. As of now, I’m in a good head space. I’m praying. I’m talking to my friends and loved ones. I’m being more transparent when I’m hurting. I’m not holding things in and saying I’m fine. Holding things in is never good to do. It makes you become overwhelmed and anxious. That’s not a good space to be in. One time I wrote about having a village. Having a village is very important. Your village can be there to lift you up when you have no words to pray. Your village can be there for you when life is life’ing. Your village can be there for you to encourage you as you deal with life challenges. Your village will allow you to cry, scream, or simply listen as you speak.

Life is hard. We will have good days and bad days, but we can’t give up. Keep living. Keep pushing. Keep striving. Keep doing wonderful things. Depression is real, but so are you.