“Celebrating life and finding peace”

https://youtu.be/YwmbsuubO5Y?is=y0AdK4ZQiXWbUcNp

Birthdays are very special for me. They really are a big deal. The reason is because I am alive to see another year. I’ve lost friends and loved ones during high school, college, and throughout my adult life. They didn’t get to see their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and won’t see their 50’s. Therefore, each year that I get to have another year added to my life span, I celebrate.

Each year, I take a moment to reflect on the previous year. I remember the things that I overcame and things that were worthy of celebration. For everything that happens in my life, I say that it is a lesson or a blessing. Life will have its ups and downs, but we have to keep going.

I have to be truthful. There were some moments that crushed me. I didn’t feel as if I could keep going. People say that money doesn’t buy happiness, but it can keep you from being depressed when you don’t have the funds to buy the necessities.

In previous years, I’ve gone through financial hardships, but things were really bad last year. I didn’t tell a lot of people because everyone is not there to support. Some people use your situation and make fun of it. I did have a few that I asked to pray for me. At one point, I felt like giving up. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try the best that I can.

I didn’t want to physically harm myself, but I was tired. I was mentally drained. I was tired of living paycheck to paycheck with nothing to show for it. I was tired of getting paid and my account be back negative in only a few days. I was tired of deciding which bill I will pay first to avoid having more overdraft charges. I was tired of not being able to do the things I wanted to do. I was tired of working multiple jobs and not having overflow. I was tired of doing travel quotes that can take a few hours to do exactly what the customer wanted to never hear back from the potential customer. My body and mind were tired.

Even in those moments, God never failed me. Some people want the seas to part and bread to fall from heaven to feel they’ve experienced a miracle. Not for me. Things that are small to some are always big for me when God blesses me. I spoke about my finances. There were times that I didn’t have money for groceries. God would allow someone to send me money on an app as a blessing. There were times when I needed gas money, and I’d receive a text that said check your Cash App. The people that God sent to bless me didn’t ask for it back. It wasn’t sent with stipulations or a guilt trip. Even when food was low, I never went without.

Even though I wanted to give up, I had a little fight let in me. I knew it was several things I wanted to accomplish in life. I knew that I want to see my children grow up. I knew that I wanted to see my grandson become an adult. I knew that I wanted to see myself find love again. If I gave up, I wouldn’t be able to see those things. In those weak moments, I cried alot and prayed and asked God to please give me strength to make it another second. If I could make it another second, I could make it another minute. If I could make it another minute, I could make it another hour. If I could make it another hour, I could make it another day. If all you have done is make it til the next second, you have done big things.

I can stop and reflect on all areas of my life (health, children, finances, family, friends, career). In all of those areas, I can write about the many blessings, but we’d be here for a longer time. I want to end on finding peace.

For years, I had a situation where I was not treated fairly. It drained me mentally for years. I would talk to my therapist about it. Once, she mentioned to me that the majority of our therapy sessions reflected on the situation. There were so many nights that I cried silently before bed. No one knew because I continued to get up and go through each day as if nothing happened. That’s the life of a funtunctional depressed person. I do not recommend it.

In my mind, I thought I was healed from it. I thought I’d let it go. One night, I was on Facebook, and I saw that a person passed away. God told me to text this one particular person. I don’t know about you, but I talk to God as if He is right in front of me. I told God, “naw. I don’t want to do that. She probably won’t even respond. She’ll find out from someone else.” I knew she felt some way about me too. God was not trying to hear that. Pleaseeeee. I went back and forth for a few minutes and stopped because I was NOT going to win that argument. Who did I think I was?

I was obedient and texted the other person. She was very shocked to receive the text from me. She told me that she has been wanting to reach out to me for years, but she didn’t think I’d respond. I told her that years ago I wouldn’t have responded because I felt the situation was not dealt with correctly. I felt that I needed someone to defend me against the false allegations. She admitted that she hadn’t done her part in taking up for me. Immediately, I felt a burden lifted off me. We might not ever get closure from people, but it was exactly what I needed. I had a new sense of peace.

I know some might read my blogs and think. Is mental health all she talks about? Is it really that important? Is she ever happy? I do talk a lot about mental health because it’s very important to me. Our thoughts control our actions. We can think positively or negatively about something. How we think about it is what we execute life. My desires for my growth is for me to continue to celebrate life and continuing finding my peace.