https://youtu.be/lAq2rxuYi5E?is=JocAlkh-3xPVlD_b (video version)
If anyone says 911, immediately, you’ll know that an emergency is happening, but what if there is an emergency in your mind? Do you know what number to call? I’m sure very few people would know to call 988. 988 is the national suicide hotline. On January 4, 2024, I made the call that saved my life. Until today, I’ve never spoken about this to anyone.
September is National Suicide Awareness Month. I wanted to share my story on the call that gave me hope, strength to keep fighting, and the courage to see another day.
I am blessed to have jobs that offer an employee assistance program. When I worked at the bank, that is how I was able to begin receiving mental health therapy. At the time, I was going through a divorce, and I felt that I couldn’t make it. I decided to do something for myself. I called EAP, and I was able to receive my first six sessions paid for by the company.
At the school district, the EAP program allows us seven free sessions per every different situation. They, also, offer a 24-hour hotline that we can call if something is weighing on heavy on our minds. I have utilized both options for assistance.
No one would know how severely depressed I was. I was waking up, working both jobs, wearing a smile on my face, and doing whatever else had to be done. Each day, I continued to go through the motions of life. Internally, I was in a dark place.
On the night of January 4, 2024, my mind was very heavy. I sat in bed crying. I wanted to give up. I had no hope left. As I sat there crying, I decide to call 988. If anyone would have ever asked me if I saw myself calling 988, I would have said no. I felt that therapy, prayer, and my faith was enough to sustain. That night, I needed more.
When the operator answered, she asked me if I had anything that I could harm myself with. She wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to overdose or use a weapon. When I answered no, we proceeded with the conversation. I won’t lie. I can’t say that if I had pills or a weapon that I might have used either because my mind was distorted. That night, I didn’t care if I woke up to see the next day.
She asked me what was going on and why I was calling. I didn’t hold anything back. I told her that I felt that I couldn’t make it anymore. I wanted to give up. I told her about my children and grandson. I began to think about them. If I was successful at an attempt, I wondered if I would push any of my children over the edge. I didn’t want it to be a cycle of suicide to continue. I wanted to grow old with my children and grandson. She encouraged me to think about spending time with them in my future because I did have a future ahead.
The operator was very kind. She allowed me to be transparent. She listened to my heart. She didn’t interrupt me. She was empathetic, and she cared. She asked me if it was ok to do a follow up to check on me. I told her that I was perfectly ok with her following up. When she did, I missed her call, but I saved that message. That message was a reminder that it is ok to seek help in different ways.
I knew that I’d made the right decision calling 988 that night instead of our EAP program. Once I called our EAP program, and I ended up being the counselor’s counselor. I was looking at the phone like how I ended up counseling him. Wasn’t it me that needed help that night? On that night, me calling 988 was in God’s plan for my life.
I have been the friend and classmate of someone that decided that enough was enough. I used to wonder how a person could go through with ending his/her life. I wondered what would make a person want to stop living. I was judgmental and thought that there was no way he/she would make it to heaven. I no longer am judgmental or think that way. Ive been to the bottom and didn’t care if I got up.
Until you’ve felt the lowest you can possibly go, you won’t ever be able to imagine why someone would decide to call it quits. You’ll never understand the depths of desiring peace in your mind. You’ll never understand the desire to simply give up because you feel that life won’t get better. I am very thankful that life got better for me.
I used to hear the older generation in the church saying, “I thank God for a peace of mind.” At the time, I didn’t understand the seriousness of that statement. Now, it is daily prayer for me. Lord, I thank You for giving me a peace of mind. Thank You, Lord, for allowing me to see another second, minute, hour, and another day.
Remember, everyone that you see smiling is not always happy. That person can be at the end and hanging on by a thread. If God places someone on your mind, reach out to him/her. That call or text could be all the person needs to feel loved and to keep going.
If you are struggling with depression or your mental health, there is hope. I don’t know who or what is in your life to help you think about your future. There might be someone listening or reading that might feel all alone. You might feel there is no one to support you. If you feel that you have no one to support you, you can keep going for yourself. Think of a goal to help you wake up the next day. It doesn’t have to be big. It can be something as small as looking in the mirror and giving yourself a compliment.
I encourage anyone not to give up. If you do feel like giving up, I encourage you to reach out to 988. It can be a call that can save your life. Just know that you are loved. I love you and most importantly. God loves you. Be blessed.
